Stand and unfold thyself.

Prank

whoisloose — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:35:32 +0000

Go into Walmart. Go to the toilet paper. Take one of those big shapes of toilet paper, sneak it open, grab a clump.

Go to customer service. Toilet paper shape under one arm, toss the clump onto the counter.

“Hi, I need to return this toilet paper. Look: It didn’t work.”

The universal language

whoisloose — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:28:22 +0000

Est. global population growth rate: 1.15%/year

Est. number of humans born every day: 211,090

Est. global mortality rate: 0.96%/year

Est. number of human deaths every day: 169,863

Net growth in population per day: 41,227

Avg. population of a city in South Carolina (200): 50,187

Est. time to populate an average South Carolina city entirely with newborns: 29 hrs. 13 min.

Lookin’ for some tale

whoisloose — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:09:36 +0000

“Hey brother let me shake your hand. You goin’ to get some women? Oh you goin’ to get some women, aren’t you?”

“On my way to get some at Home Depot right now actually.”

“Oh man you’ll find women there but they’ll be big women. You like big women?”

“I like to buy in bulk.”

“I like that. That’s funny man.”

For Abominable Heresies And Monstrous Deeds

whoisloose — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:02:27 +0000

By decree of the angels and by the command of the holy men, we excommunicate, expel, curse, and damn Baruch de Espinoza, with the consent of God, blessed be He, and with the consent of the entire holy congregation, and in front of these holy scrolls with the 613 precepts which are written therein; cursing him with the excommunication with which Joshua banned Jericho and with the curse which Elisha cursed the boys and with all the castigations which are written in the Book of Law. Cursed be he by day and cursed be he by night; cursed be he when he lies down and cursed be he when he rises up. Cursed be he when he goes out and cursed be he when he comes in. The Lord will not spare him, but then the anger of the Lord and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the Lord shall blot out his name from under heaven. And the Lord shall separate him unto evil out of all the tribes of Israel, according to all the curses of the covenant that are written in this book of the law. But you that cleave unto the Lord your God are alive every one of you this day.

Ike Kills 120, Raises 1: Man, Buried Alive, Surfaces, Drowns

whoisloose — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 07:19:02 +0000

In the Hollywood Community Cemetery in Orange, Tex., caskets surfaced due to flood waters caused by Hurricane Ike.

Questionable Gary pops the big one

whoisloose — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 04:59:40 +0000

Scene: a young man, an office worker, let’s protect the innocent, let’s call him Me, is leaning his back against a black skyscraper noonish waiting for a fire drill to be over, and then another man, let’s call him Questionable Gary, approaches and leans next to Me.

QG: Hey.
Me: Hi.
QG: You from here?
Me: From —–? No, I just moved here two weeks ago.
QG:
Me: Why do you ask?
QG: I-I just moved here. I-I’m looking for some cool people to chill with, you know?
Me: Have you tried 6th street?
QG: Yeh I went last night but there wasn’t nothin’.
Me: Go on the weekend, when everyone is drunk. You’ll make friends but they might not remember you.
QG: (chuckling, squeeze-eyed) Yeh that’s probably true.
Me:
QG:
Me: So why’d you move?
QG: I-I’m an independent contractor, you know sidings and roofings, and there was a storm passed through here so I came down lookin’ for work.
Me: You’re a hurricane chaser.
QG: (chuckling, squeeze-eyes now downcast) Yeh well that’s where the work is, gotta go where the work is.
Me: Did you go to New Orleans after Katrina?
QG: No, no I didn’t go there.
Me:
QG:
Me:
QG: (flexing a thin yellow book) I been lookin’ in here.
——- County Gay and Lesbian Directory.
Me: (aside) Oh.
Then he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance
He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance
When he danced he held me tight
And when he walked me home that night
All the stars were shining bright
And then he kissed me
Each time I saw him I couldn’t wait to see him again
I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend
I didn’t know just what to do
So I whispered I love you
And he said that he loved me too
And then he kissed me
He kissed me in a way that I’ve never been kissed before
He kissed me in a way that I wanna be kissed forever more
I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had
And one day he took me home to meet his mom and his dad
Then he asked me to be his bride
And always be right by his side
Me: I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for that sort of commitment yet. And I have to get back to work. Good luck.

The best joke of this election

whoisloose — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 00:50:29 +0000

GIBSON: What insight into Russian actions particularly in the last couple weeks does the proximity of the state give you?

PALIN: They’re our next door neighbors. And you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska.

In Support of Sublimation

whoisloose — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:29:33 +0000

“The end of this barren period coincided closely with his decision to undergo a Steinach ‘rejuvenation’ operation–a vasectomy, a procedure thought at that time to increase the production of male hormones–in May 1934. Following the operation he had a remarkable burst of creative energy. Over the next four-and-a-half years he would compose more than seventy new lyrics and four new plays, edit The Oxford Book of Modern Verse, issue a revised edition of his occult-philosophical text A Vision (based on the automatic writing of his wife), complete his autobiography, and write a substantial number of essays–the work that constitutes the ‘late’ Yeats.”

I read this and quit masturbating. See what came of my burst of creative energy:

“The Late Master Yeats”

I, being of sound mind and body,
Bequeath these lines to my eternity.

Dead Willie Yeats from his black tower
Spoke shop to me with a father’s power.
How can I fashion my will like to you,
I asked, so timeless, so dead-on true?
Cupping my rumpled future family,
Grave, he said: My poor son, verily,
Get thee swift a tidy vasectomy;
Turn seedy sin to love’s sweet poesy!

l’amour faux

whoisloose — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:32:13 +0000

I was button-holed by the nicest asshole with brilliant white summer teeth (some’re here, some’re there. winter teeth: two above and two below).

“Hey! Mr. T-shirt!”
I turned around.
“Yeah, you!” He walked up to me and started tapping me on the arm with his sunglasses. “Now sir I’m looking for some kind souls you see in most states the homeless shelters are free but in Connecticut they cost three dollars a night now I got here a newspaper, a homeless newspaper and I’m trying to sell it for three dollars so I can have a place to sleep and all I need is some kind people, some great souls like yourself you know you got that Brad Pitt thing, those movie-star looks.”
“I don’t have his movie-star money, sorry.”
“No really though you got something going with the hair and everything you know,” he said, head cocked back, intermittent smile wide, looking slanty at me and stroking his chin in appraisal.
“Do you have change? I don’t have any small bills.”

Most of Inquiring News is taken up with an obituary bloated with elegy for some dearly departed named Richard Weaver-Bey. “While Weaver-Bey was recognized for his business successes and civic achievements, he wasn’t beyond a little humorous ribbing. Several speakers laughed as they revealed his knack for mailing friends framed photographs of himself.”

incarnadine and carnal ghost

whoisloose — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 04:36:21 +0000

I tried to help an old lady in plaid to cross the street to get to her (60^th) college reunion.
“Can I do anything to help you cross?” I sweetly said.
“Just pray!” she said with a cackle and a bony point skyward.

A very pink man leaning on a walker had his wife change his shirt on the sidewalk. He sat mutely with an open mouth, a fat smear in the shade, staring at nothing, while she walked walker-less to a nearby clothing store. He wore his suspenders on the inside.

I asked my supervisor about all the itinerant old.
“Well, the 65^th reunion is the last one a class gets all to themselves. After that the classes are pooled into one event, and everyone, everyone who’s left, is invited every year. Problem is, a bunch of ‘em sign up but never make it.” Turning his squinting eyes dramatically to mine, he brought up one hand, palm forward, close to my face, then leveled it. “Splat.”